Apologizing – when it’s not your fault?

The table was surrounded by layers and layers of legal counsel, high ranking corporate employees, a stenographer and even a third-party witness. The meeting was brought to order with anger and discontent so thick, they could have been sliced with a dull knife. This was the fourth meeting to resolve a huge difference between two companies. It all started many years prior; much of the cause was forgotten, and most of what remained was bitterness, demands and badly hurt feelings. It seemed every resolve was met with contention and disapproval. Litigation, mediation, disclosures, and even strategic concessions were all treated with weak interest and fierce opposition. The latest notes showed the lawsuits had now risen to several million dollars. Despite the futility of every previous meeting, the group was once again gathered to confront the situation. It now seemed more unlikely than ever that a resolve would be found. Today was more of an opportunity for both sides to once again expand on their deep-rooted feelings. The mediator in charge of this meeting stood and began to calmly address the two sides seated around the conference table. He asked the lead counsel of each side to clearly state for the record their perspective of the problem and demands to bring resolution. What followed was an escalation of voices, volumes and accusations. Within two minutes, both sides were standing, screamed across the table, pointing fingers and hurling insults. While tempers were at their highest, the mediator slammed his notebook on the table, seizing the immediate attention of everyone in the room. “Stop it!” Every red face in the room turned and stared at him for the next move. Looking directly at the prosecuting individual, he asked loudly, “Bottom line – what do you want? I don’t mean money or goods…what will it take to end this…RIGHT NOW!?” Caught off guard, the prosecuting individual barked out “He’s not even sorry for what he did!” (A pin may have dropped, but no one noticed) The opposing party stood motionless and quietly, with a surprised look on their face. “Mark…” he said his words slowly, thoughtfully and quite sincerely – “I’m sorry.” The temperature in the room suddenly began to lower, and the expressions on every face softened into looks of surprise and understanding. One of the attorneys tried to interject with a “but we demand compensation!” comment, but he was quickly ‘shushed’ as the other party grabbed his arm. The two men walked around the table, stopped face-to-face and shook hands.  “Thank you.” The multi-million-dollar lawsuit was immediately dropped, the attorneys were paid for their efforts and the anger was now purged from all conversation. Who in the world would have guessed that the only thing perpetuating the case and their rage was a simple apology?

Apologizing to someone goes against almost all of our natural instincts. Fight or Flight, right? But the true significance of an apology has little to do with admission of guilt, but rather an indication of how important a relationship is to someone. In the Bible, Matthew 5:23-24 says:

“If you enter your place of worship and, about to make an offering,
you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you,
abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right.
Then and only then, come back and work things out with God.”

Notice that the scripture did not say “If you remember a grudge YOU have towards someone else,” it says if you remember a grudge SOMEONE ELSE has against you! This could keep a few of us pretty busy!

I was once confronted by someone who had a serious beef with me. I was astonished! Not at the inaccuracy of his words, but by the realization: “Maybe I am not the nice guy I think I am!” When you are the center (first person) of someone’s complaint, it may come as a surprise that in fact YOU are the cause. I mean, when was the last time you said “Wow, I really suck at driving” Compared to how many times a day do you say OTHER people suck on your way home after work? News flash: the entire world is not at fault while you cruise safely from blame. Try to stay humbled in realizing you might have done something, even innocently or unknowingly that offended someone else…so be aware of these things and get things right. Whether the impetus was you or them…YOU make it right. If you were offended by someone, and sure maybe they were even purposeful in their actions, the odds are they are not losing any sleep tonight. You’re the one all stressed out and upset and yet…they’ve moved on. So, despite who did wrong to whom…it is YOUR place to make things right. What’s the option? Living with a load of stress and anger for the next 20 years? Surely you have heard about all the actual physical effects of stress on your body! Well, it also affects you at a cellular level regarding your character. Even Don Corleone in The Godfather extended a huge act of forgiveness, after his son Sonny had been killed in retaliation for the murder or another man, Corleone sought peace that even he could not exercise until he had forgiven the other party first. Don Corleone admitted he had “selfish reasons” for forgiving, but he recognized the value of the relationship and that he needed to clear the air so he could sufficiently care for the rest of his family.

Here are a few tips on the ‘right way’ to apologize:

• Make sure that your apology doesn’t have conditions. Rather than “I’m sorry if you were offended by something I said” (placing blame back on them), say something more like “I’m sorry for the way I’ve treated you” (resting the responsibility on you).
• Be clear. if you make an open-ended apology that leaves you feeling like you’re accepting something you did not do, this will not end the disagreement. Over time it will more than likely cause bitterness that could escalate instead of resolve…it will likely require grace on your part, but that’s the point of this act.
• Don’t use an apology as an opportunity to further explain or convince someone of ‘your side’ of the situation.
• As Don Corleone stated, agree to consider the matter resolved and not something to be brought up ever again.
• Don’t produce an apology with ANY expectations of reciprocity. You are just exercising grace.

After you’ve made your peace, It is amazing how quickly you will feel differently. There is a sense of liberation that only grace can bring.  So, don’t live another day with your discontent or knowing that someone else has discontent towards you. Accept the responsibility, be the bigger person, and sleep better too!